NEW YORK – League Commissioner Roger Goodell, defending America’s dominant professional sport against accusations it is not yet 100% comprised of wife beaters and child abusers, today strongly signalled this intention by renaming the league from NFL to NFeLon.
“Our league isn’t just about violence on the field anymore. It’s about criminality off of it,” said Goodell, addressing the media at NFeLon headquarters in New York.
“Led by role models like Ray Rice, Jonathan Dwyer and Adrian Peterson, our players are in record numbers punching their fiancées unconscious; head-butting their wives and hiding in the bathroom when the cops come and then punching her in the face the next day and threatening to kill their son; and whipping their defenseless toddlers on the scrotum with tree branches.
“Branding is all about authenticity, and our name change to NFeLon reflects the essence of who we are now, and of our vision for the future. On that note, it gives me great pride to today announce that vision: to be a 100% convict league by 2020.”
“Yes, there will be elements of the media, fan base, ownership and our sponsors who find this vision objectionable. But I will remind them that fully 32 of our players have been arrested in calendar year 2014 alone, bringing our total to 500 in the past 10 years. And that we have an entire quarter to build on our 2014 total. And I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that as football purists we will push hard until the very last second on the clock.”
“Sure, naysayers in the media have pointed out that this rate of arrest is actually lower than that of the public as a whole. But let me remind you that every single one of our players has received a university education, most often free, many at some of the most prominent schools in the world, and are now the most entitled members of our society – making an average of $1.9-million per year and having their every conceivable whim taken care of by an adoring army of league lackeys, hangers-on, wannabes and knuckle-draggers.
“Ladies and gentlemen, 500 arrests despite these obstacles is a remarkable testament to the character of our players and more than makes the case for renaming our league to NFeLon.”
Giving Fans What They Deserve
Analysts believe that key to the success of Goodell’s NFeLon vision will be a set of enhancements for fans that will truly integrate them into the NFeLon experience.
“Through a wide variety of programs, our league has always been focused on getting fans integrated with the game,” said the Commissioner. “But these programs have been limited by the fact that our fans do not have the necessary athleticism, or moral compass, to actually suit up in an NFeLon game.
“And so, while we cannot help fans feel exactly like an NFeLon player, we can indeed help them feel like one of their defenseless family members. And so we introduce our new fan experience program, DeFansless, in which players will mete out the same violence to their supporters as they do to their girlfriends, wives and babies,” Goodell continued.
“Say that despite seeing the elevator video of Ray Rice punching his fiancée full in the face, knocking her out cold and then dragging her limp body by the collar into a hotel lobby, you still show up at a game wearing a Ray Rice jersey. We want to reward you for that level of commitment.
“So Ray Rice himself will choose one lucky fan per game to attack with the full, fearsome force of a physique that can bench press an astonishing 400 pounds. I mean, that guy is in shape.
“Or, even though you’re aware of the bloody welts Adrian Peterson administered to the tiny body of his four-year-old son, let’s say you attend an NFeLon game wearing a Peterson jersey. Well, you might just be the lucky fan chosen by Adrian to be whipped with a tree branch until you bleed.
“Or, you can call an audible, if you will, and elect on the spot to receive the same kind of ‘whoopin’ Peterson gave his son while the helpless little boy was strapped in his carseat.
“Or if you’re a Dwyer fan, just show it by wearing his jersey to the next Arizona Cardinals game. He will headbutt you and then email you pictures of a knife and threaten to kill himself and your children. He will kill you first, of course, but let’s be clear: only if you really deserve it.”
Name Created in Rather Quiet Alumni Sessions
Having not been seen in public for the several days preceding today’s announcements, Goodell this morning insisted he was not hiding like one of his multi-millionaire player-felons, but rather working on the league’s new name.
“It took somewhat longer than expected, because we enlisted the help of NFL alumni, the trailblazers who built our brand’s foundation by committing the lesser crimes of decades past. As we at the NFeLon have acknowledged, the hits to the head sustained by our players on the field give them Alzheimer’s and other dementias at a rate as much as 3,500% greater than that of the general public.
“And let’s face it: how can our alumni be expected to come up with a creative new name for a six-billion-dollar organization when they can’t even remember their own?”