Newsflash: Public Mobile vendors in TTC actually do care if you live or die

[Cache – #53]

NEWS FLASH – TORONTO – January 13, 2012

Would-be customer gets dusted
When Public Mobile, the upstart cell phone provider, started selling its products through Gateway Newsstands in Toronto’s public transit system, pundits crowed that the people running those newsstands couldn’t care less if their customers lived or died, much less sell them a cell phone.

But yesterday, Public Mobile got the last laugh – when one of their subway vendors, who actually did care if a customer about to purchase a phone lived or died, killed that customer.  Toronto Police confirm that the cause of death was dust inhalation.  It is believed that the vendor, sensing that the first person in history was actually about to buy a Public Mobile plan during morning rush hour, leapt over the counter and blew a year’s worth of dust off the Public product display – and directly into the face of the would-be patron.

Raj Binder of Mississauga has been identified as the assassin.  As he was being carted away by police, his shouts could be heard over the din of Torontonians grumbling on their way to work:  “Look!  I get it!  Public wanted to riff on its name by selling phones in a very public place, the subway!  But did they really expect us to smile, speak or develop even one of the skills required to sell something as complicated as a cell phone plan??  I mean, come on!  I made the right choice this morning, and I know that every single one of my vendor brothers would have done the same thing!”

Doug Rourke – quickly on the scene as director of business development at Public Mobile – was buoyed by the news that at least one of his company’s product displays is now dust-free.  “We still think that the newsstands are the perfect place to showcase our phones,” he said.

He continued:  “Gateway Newsstands, where people go to make instantaneous, nay, unconscious decisions about which pack of gum to buy, are the obvious spot to sell a high-involvement, time-consuming and expensive product.  Plus, when people are taking the subway, they have plenty of time on their hands for standing around and considering the intricacies of a cell phone plan.  Torontonians in particular are known for being tremendously patient.”

The victim, who has not been identified, was removed from the scene by the paramedics of Emergency Medical Services.  Said Rourke: “They’re a public service – get it??”

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